Am I too strict, or too soft?

Short answer: the useful axis is not strict-versus-soft. It is whether warmth and expectations are both high.

In the 1960s Diana Baumrind observed preschoolers and their parents and described three patterns. Authoritarian parents were demanding and cold. Permissive parents were warm and undemanding. Authoritative parents were both warm and demanding: clear rules, explained reasons, and responsiveness to the child. Maccoby and Martin later added a fourth, uninvolved, low on both. Across decades of follow-up studies, children of authoritative parents tend to show better self-regulation, school engagement and social competence, with the pattern holding across many (not all) cultural contexts.

So if one of you brings the expectations and the other brings the warmth, you are each holding half. The argument is really about how to be both at once.

What “both” sounds like

• Rule plus reason. “Screens off at eight, because your brain needs the wind-down.”
• Firm on the limit, soft on the feeling. “I know you’re disappointed. Eight is still eight.”
• Consequences that teach. Related, proportionate, explained in advance.

How emoGlow uses it

Bloom leans authoritative by default: it will not suggest a limit without a reason, and it flags when a proposed approach trades warmth for control or the reverse. The decisions and handoffs in Together are designed so two adults can agree the limit once and both hold it.

Sources

• Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
• Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.
• Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington (Eds.), Handbook of Child Psychology (Vol. 4). Wiley.

This is general information grounded in published research. It is not medical or psychological advice.